What is your defining moment? We all have one. A pivotal moment that set us on the path that we are now on. A moment that, above all else, defines why we are, where we are, and who we are.
I’ve thought a lot about my moment. I thought it was another but I’ve come to realize my true defining moment. It is a moment that very few know about. It is a painful moment, a secret moment, that I’ve kept hidden away but, if it were not for that moment, I would not be where I am today. Since I can’t afford therapy, I’ve decided to open myself up and share with all of you my defining moment.
***WARNING: Anyone who views the other party favorably might want to quit reading now because this won’t shed him in a good light. I don’t mean to demonize him but it was his actions that brought me to that moment.***
One expects safety and security from those they love. It can turn their world upside down when they receive neither.
My marriage was a difficult one but I was determined not to let it fail. Daily I struggled and daily I prayed “Anything but divorce.” Some days were better than others. Some days it took all my strength to pull myself out of bed and face the day. My children were a big motivation during hard days. I wanted my children to grow up in a home with both parents. I wanted my children to have a “normal” life. And I didn’t want to be single. I believed that if I held on during those dark days there would be light at the end of the tunnel. I hoped and prayed for that light.
One Christmas we were given a .22 pistol. Not really the kind of exciting gift one expects at Christmas time but I believe in the 2nd Amendment and always wanted one so, all in all, it wasn’t a bad present.
At the end of the day, we were in our bedroom examining the gun. He kept loading and unloading it. He wanted to see how fast he could get the clip inserted. I was at the foot of our bed watching. Next thing I knew the loaded gun was pointed at my head.
“What would you do if I pulled the trigger right now?” he asked. Trying to keep the panic out of my voice, I laughed, “Hahaha very funny.” “No,” he said, “I’m serious. What would you do?”
Past experiences taught me that he could very easily be serious or be joking. There was no sure ground with him and no way of knowing what he would really do. I honestly didn’t know if he was playing or if he really wanted to pull the trigger. All I knew is that I was staring at the barrel of a gun held by the man that was supposed to be my eternal companion.
I don’t know how long we stood there. Time had stopped for me. That moment split into 3 sections. Part of me rationalized that he was joking, that the safety was on and that he wouldn’t risk my life like that. Another part of me started to panic. I cried out to him for mercy and to quit because he was scaring me. I begged and pleaded for him to put the gun away. The last part of me hoped that he would pull the trigger, hoped that he would finally put an end to it all. If he killed me my hell would be over and I would finally be at peace.
He then turned the loaded gun on himself, sticking it in his mouth. I again was torn. I thought he had to be joking but out loud I pleaded for him to stop, to think about what he was doing. I cried and fell to my knees but was powerless to stop him
He laughed. The gun was pulled from his mouth, the clip was pulled out and everything was put away. He continued to laugh. He wanted to know how I could be so stupid as to think he would really pull the trigger. It was obviously a joke he said but I was too stupid to see it. He asked why I didn’t have faith and trust in him, why I could believe he would do something like that. He mocked my crying and my pleading. He laughed and laughed while I kept crying.
Something broke that night, something that was never able to be fixed again. Even if life became perfect, any bond we had was gone. Gone forever. After that moment, I quit trying to keep our marriage together. I quit praying for, “Anything but divorce.” I couldn’t guarantee that it would never happen again. In fact it wasn’t the first time and most likely it wouldn’t be last. I knew that it was time to walk away. I had to go. I had to leave while I still had breath in my lungs. I knew that my only sure hope at life was divorce.
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